the sharp hint of new tears - 062603
orbs: i work till 9 every day till the end of the week
orbs: and chances are, my shedule isnt going to change
orbs: lets all feel bad for allen
vent: that happens
vent: nobody said you have to go out every night of the summer, man.
vent: you got out when you can
orbs: i do believe i have to go out every night of the summer
orbs: because im making up for lost time
vent: i do believe you have the rest of your life for that
orbs: i do believe ill be working the rest of my life
vent: such is life.
orbs: which is why im trying to, you know, try and get back that part of life where you were supposed to party and have fun etc
vent: well, then you take it when it comes...and that may not be every night
orbs: where instead i spent my days in front of a computer screen learning how upload my site to internet (in the process I followed this A2 web hosting review page and created my account there!), which, i might add, has really paid off for me, i mean, you know, the whole typing 150 words a minute helps when im cleaning shit out of the toilets
vent: right but you have to find the balance
orbs: i thought it was cute when someone on the journal called me an 'unskilled worker', when, as sad as that is, i guess is true, because any skills i do have dont mean shit
vent: you just dont market the skills you do have
vent: that's all
orbs: oh i tried to market the skills i have
orbs: and i hit the "you dont have a degree" brick wall
vent: and eventually you will again
vent: you just gotta keep trying
vent: my brother didn't have a degree either
orbs: your brother worked in the bubble
orbs: i missed the bubble by 3 years
vent: yeah, and look where he is now
vent: at least you are going to college and have a future
vent: tries to play clocks on the piano and smokes a lot
orbs: he... is enjoying his life
orbs: good for him
vent: that's not the way the world works
vent: and he'll find that out eventually
vent: particularly when my parents move to new orleans next year and he can't afford a place to live
orbs: does it really matter how well we live as long as life feels like its worth living
vent: no, but there is such a thing as survival
vent: and nobody ever got anything worth getting handed to them without a bit of effort
orbs: and frankly, at this point, i dont want to be an engineer, i dont know what the fuck i want to do, but i know whatever it is im not going to enjoy myself, and that realization fucking blows, because ive spent most of my life not enjoying myself, the part of my life where its supposed to be easy to do, i managed to fuck it up
vent: how the fuck do you know
orbs: what is worth getting besides waking up and looking forward to the rest of your day?
vent: you have no idea what you want..but dont assume it's not something you'll enjoy
vent: stop trying so damn hard
vent: it'll come to you
vent: and dont get all bitchy in the meantime
vent: and i know that's a hard thing to take in...but that's just the way it is
vent: the world is not against you
orbs: its not the world
orbs: its myself
orbs: im not retarded, i know im doing it to myself
orbs: but that doesnt mean i can just stop
vent: then shut the fuck up
vent: yes you can
orbs: psycosis isnt an easy thing to overcome
orbs: hate to tell you
vent: it's not psychosis jackass
vent: it's just PMS
orbs: prolonged, annual, PMS
vent: you are the world in which you walk...and you know what the point of that poem is...
orbs: the only times im not PMSing are when im too fucking busy to think
vent: that everything around you is you
vent: and in that too busy to think you'll find the hum of life allen
vent: but you gotta shut the fuck up and listen
orbs: and how do you propose i do that
vent: get over yourself
vent: savor the small stuff
vent: don't thirst for more
vent: enjoy the taste of what you're getting
vent: live in that
orbs: dont thirst for more?
vent: and that will become pervasive
orbs: isnt that what drives us?
vent: not until you let it become you
orbs: how can you honestly say dont thirst for more?
vent: you can't thirst for more until you know what it is you are already tasting
vent: and you can't want it before it's time
orbs: its an easy thing to say, its easy to spout off about savoring the small stuff and enjoying the moment and blahdi blahdi dah, but saying and doing are two incredibly different things
vent: the difference between joy and happiness
vent: and the only thing keeping you from doing is your own fear of the fleeting
orbs: fear of the fleeting?
vent: that it will be gone and you'll never get that again
vent: Expect nothing. Live frugally
become a stranger
To need of pity
Or, if compassion be freely
Take only enough
Stop short of urge to plead
Then purge away the need.
Wish for nothing larger
Than your own small heart
Or greater than a star;
Tame wild disappointment
With caress unmoved and cold
Make of it a parka
For your soul.
Discover the reason why
So tiny human midget
Exists at all
So scared unwise
But expect nothing. Live frugally
orbs: those are just words, words are easy, words are as light as feathers, anyone can say anything, they can say all you have to do is this or all you need is that, but the truth of the matter is in the end they are just words
vent: words can bleed
orbs: i can say anything i want, i can create and destroy, intrigue and incense, i can do anything i want with words, which is exactly why they dont have any real meaning
vent: Please, if you continue, remember first that words can bleed. ~ The Dante Club
vent: bullshit allen
vent: and you know that's fuckin bullshit
orbs: no it isnt, i do it myself, i say things just because i know what it will do, it has no meaning, it has no fucking purpose, it doesnt have any great eureka behind it, they are just words
vent: then shut down emoallen
vent: then stop writing in the lilguy
orbs: i thought about it
vent: break down pallets for the rest of your life you fuckin llama
orbs: i stopped writing in the lilguy, hell, i dont even have the lilguy
vent: you dont deserve it the way you're acting right now
vent: why? cause some fuckin GIRL dumped you?
vent: give me a freakin break
orbs: it has nothing to do with that
orbs: its just that
orbs: words are just words
orbs: and you have to take them at face value
vent: that's crap
vent: face value?
vent: face value means that f -a-c-e v-a-l-u-e is all the registers in your breain when i say that
orbs: no, it means that it means what it means
vent: then why do people still talk about certain poems and books and quotes hundreds of years after they were written?
orbs: because words still sound good
vent: you're being goddamn ridiculous and you know it
vent: your logic is coming from your ass
vent: to quote monty python
orbs: you cant sit there and tell me that that poem you just showed me
vent: i fart in your general direction
orbs: im supposed to instantly feel some sort of eureka and change my life around
orbs: it doesnt work that way
vent: i dont use it as a eureka
vent: i never do
vent: i think that's trite
vent: to hand someone a book or poem or whatever and expect it to change his life
orbs: words cant be applied, there is something deeper than words, there is something that words cant even get close to touching
vent: no shit
orbs: that is where the real change has to be applied, that is where the real power comes from and the real bleeding begins
vent: i'm well aware of that
vent: and that's on you
orbs: words are so impossibly distant from that
vent: and all you are doing is bitching and whining and making fuckin excuses
vent: not impossibly
vent: never impossibly
orbs: words are a temporary fix, i tell myself that i dont care, and yeah, maybe it works for a day or two, i can tell myself that i have to savor the little things, and maybe i will, for a little while, but in the end, the change has to come from inside, not from something i read or see or hear, not from something i tell myself or something i try and brainwash myself into believing
vent: whatever allen
vent: then let it happen for christ's sake
vent: i'm not saying it's going to come out of any single thing
orbs: ive been trying, i dont want to be this fucking whiny bitch, i dont want to come home every night wondering what the fuck im missing out on, i dont want to wake up every morning wondering if this day is going to suck, i want to just enjoy myself, but i dont know how the fuck to do it
vent: and i can't tell you.
vent: but the first thing you can do
vent: is stop fuckin bitching
vent: even if you feel like bitching
vent: cause frankly it's rather unbecoming of you
orbs: its unbecoming?
orbs: i havent notived
vent: it's making me not even have the desire to talk toyou
orbs: then dont, because i dont know how to not bitch, i dont know how to just chit chat and shoot the shit, the things on my mind are the things on my mind, and theyre always on my mind, i dont know what i have to do to get rid of them, if i drink and it doesnt work, hell, what do i do then? i dont know, FUCK, im just, im tired of thinking, im tired of caring, im tired of knowing and feeling and believing, because all it does is turn me into this fucking specter of myself
vent: you know what
vent: i dont know what the fuck happened to you in the last week or two...but you've totally gone off the damn deep end
vent: bitching about the job is one thing
vent: but you're ridiculous right now
orbs: i know i have
orbs: i dont know what the fuck happened
orbs: or where the fuck i went
orbs: i felt better after i was done with dirty, so it cant be her
vent: it was the stupid fuckin girl allen
orbs: i dont know what happened
vent: the day she dumped you you fuckin went off the deep end
orbs: i did, after like 3 days, after i realized that it wasnt her that i loved so much
orbs: it was just the idea of having something to look forward to that i latched myself onto
vent: oh i could have told you that along time ago
orbs: now its like i have all this shit hanging over my head, and im dealing with it, im working 40 hours a week, im getting loans, im dealing with it, and the whole fucking party thing that i hate so much, oh well, if the only time i can be with my friends is when theres 25 of them, fine, so be it, i can deal, but its just the... i dont know, like, tonight, i will hear 20 more times before i fall asleep "dude you totally missed it tonight"
orbs: just like i did this morning with the entire crew that went to state college
orbs: i dont know, FUCK, i dont know, i need to figure out how to fix me
vent: well...i dont know what to say to you...there's NOTHING i can say
vent: it's all within you
vent: i'm going to bed
listening to: -
(30 donations of thought / donate some brain cells)
got the life? - 062403
the autobiography: love, sex, reality, truth, god, freedom, justice, morality, and the meaning of life
The fact of the matter is I am dead on the inside. It’s just that simple. I don’t have feelings, I don’t have emotions, I don’t have thoughts, I have suggestions from the television and the radio. I have the books I read and the way I grew up. I’m not introspective, I can’t be. There is nothing there to look into. It’s taken me a few months to come to this realization, but the simple truth is that I am acting my way through life.
There is nothing inside of me. It is a blank slate. Emotions don’t govern my decisions. I don’t even know what an emotion consists of. My emotions come from preprogrammed responses. My emotions come from television commercials and movies with Julia Roberts. My loves, my fears, my inner demons and my thick candy shell, they are all highly calculated, made to the specifications of the smiling family on the back of the box of cereal... theoretically ‘normal’.
Anyone will tell you that something isn’t quite right about the way I portray myself. Something isn’t quite right about the way I do things. No real person is like that. Those who catch on are quickly debunked by the others, the people I’ve managed to dupe. The problem comes with the fact that all these premeditated fronts, all my supposed character traits and flaws, they don’t work together. They don’t quite match up. Sort of like when you see a tabloid photo of a face poorly attached to a topless body, it just doesn’t quite go together. It almost looks right, and if you glance at it quickly, it appears authentic, but once you get too close, once you look at the details, you spot it.
I suppose that’s how I caught it myself. I was so good at it for so long that I could even fool myself into thinking I meant what I said. Those tears, they were real. That stupid grin, not just perpetuated based on a series of Dawson’s Creek episodes, it was real. It was all real. I wasn’t imagining it, I wasn’t planning it somewhere deep inside my head, I couldn’t be. You can’t create feelings. You can’t manipulate emotions; toy with your own mind, right?
Right, until that first time you catch yourself saying "what the fuck just happened there?"
Why did I just react like that? Why did I just say that? Do that? It makes no sense. I don’t think that way. I don’t agree with the statement I just made, so why, could someone please explain to me why, did I just utter it?
The simple answer is it was the "socially acceptable" response to the situation at hand. The Pretty Woman, Felicity, Days of Our Lives response. The reaction I read in the middle of a cheesy romance novel. The "this is what you say and or do" when "this happens" filed away somewhere in the recesses of my troublesome mind. The reply that personifies the character I want to portray.
My character is one of the classics: the too nice guy who always gets his heart broken. You see them in movies all the time, and usually, they end up with the hot chick by the closing credits. I have a feeling that has something to do with the guise my psyche has decided to attach itself to. If it works in the movies, it must work that way in real life.
The character is fairly simple: be extremely nice, do everything you can for anyone, and always have that little piece of advice that sounds like it has something to do with people’s problems, but in reality, means about as much as kind words from a stranger. Always be willing to sacrifice for others, always be willing to go the extra mile, and always, always, put yourself in the position to be pitied by the people around you.
The idea is to be the martyr. When you are the martyr, nothing is ever your fault. You never have to take the blame, you never have to fess up, and you never have to confess your sins. It is never your fault. You never deserve what comes to you. You’re always suffering, and everyone always feels sorry for you.
At some point, at least in the movies, the martyr gets the sympathy vote from the lead female and that’s when he gets to make his move.
Key phrases include: "No, it’s alright.", "I’ll be fine, don’t worry.", "Oh well.", and "I’m sorry."
listening to: tallman - cope
reading: unbearable lightness of being
(19 donations of thought / donate some brain cells)
this is a strange and no new play on words - 061803
She didn't mean to deceive you, believe me
But sometimes the hardest part is conceiving
The good intentions that you had
Now only came to this
And although she saw the mark
The arrow missed
It isn't exciting reciting the stories
Of kind words turned hurting when routine get boring
Both getting tired of punk rock clubs
And both playing in punk rock bands
The start was something good
But some good things must end
And she said, "It could never survive
With such differing lives
One home, one out on tour again
We may never come back
The strike of a match
The candle's burning at both ends"
And now she knows too much
And I'm too fucked up
It's awkward trying to make my move
I'll pretend that I'm fine
Show up right on time
But I know I'll never be that cool
I never wanted to hold you back
I just wanted to hold on
But my chance is gone
Trapped in the body of a man and
I'll take what you're willing to give
And I'll teach myself to live
With a walk-on part of a background shot
From a movie I'm not in
She's so important
And I'm so retarded
And now I realize
I should have kissed you in LA
But I drove home all alone
As if I had a choice, anyway
Where are you coming from?
What are you running from?
Is it so hard to see?
And if you're feeling scared
Remember the time we shared
You know it meant everything
You know that it meant everything to me
You know that it meant everything to me
listening to: -
(53 donations of thought / donate some brain cells)
dust in the wind - 061703
wow... when i said today was going to be a shitty day, i didnt know how much of an understatement that was.
yeah i dont know... im upset but i dont have anything to be upset at, so i dont know what to do.
i just dont know what to do.
whatever, serves me right.
out of things to blame, always blame myself.
heres to wishing i didnt have to work tomorrow, because when i wake up and i realize how things have changed, im not going to be a happy camper.
maybe im still asleep, maybe this is just a bad dream.
maybe the last 5 or 6 years have just been one big bad dream...
that would be cute.
thinking: someday ill get it right
listening to: tool
reading: cant read through
tomorrow: another bad day in a string of them
(21 donations of thought / donate some brain cells)
i wanna fight you, ill fuckin bite you - 061603
keep calling my bluffs
someone must keep me honest
even if it hurts
ive come to the sudden understanding that i need to somehow quit thinking.
i get myself worked up over nothing, i build elaborate plans in my head that i let get to me when every piece doesnt work perfectly, i find myself worrying and brooding and driving myself crazy.
after an hour or so it sinks in that it doesnt matter, but during that hour i turn into this complete fuckwad.
ive been told i should get drunk, or maybe smoke some weed.
i toy with the idea every day, but i cant help but think that when i wake up the next morning ill feel worse than i did before i decided to take the plunge.
just you and i? no, i dont trust myself.
i dont know, i mean, ahg, whats the big deal.
why do i care so much about staying sober.
i cant understand how a couple hours of intoxication can make everything so much better, but apparently it does, because all my friends swear by it.
i suppose its one of those things you have to experience to understand.
say friday night i go out somewhere and have a few drinks, and a few more, and then, yay, im drunk.
i dont have fun having that kind of fun.
i have fun sitting around talking, i have fun watching movies, i have fun doing what most people find pretty damn boring.
what would it hurt? what would it hurt to just try and see if it works? see if it turns off the brain? i need something to, because this is driving me crazy, and it isnt fair to the people who know me to have to deal with the mr. hyde that rears its ugly head every so often over something stupid.
what if it does work?
i resign myself to drinking copiously to control my emotions?
i dont know, i need to sit down and have a serious conversation about this with someone (you) who has some experience dealing with their inner demons.
this whole damn rant is proof of it, because there i go again, thinking way too much.
work today... 8 hours of uh... i dont know, lifting shit.
i came home at 3pm and sat here.
and sat here.
and sat here some more.
my worst fears realized, come home from work and have nothing to do.
i could have gone to the poker game, but A) i cant afford to gamble, B) i would have been there all night, and C) i have to work tomorrow at 9
thought about crashing the CHICKFEST 2K3, but that wouldnt have been very nice of me.
so i watched some inside the actors studio, i laid in bed for a while, i made a cd, and i thought way too much.
the sad thing is i only write in the lil guy when im at my highest and lowest points, so its very.... very inconsistent.
i have a feeling tomorrow is going to be another today, and that makes me sad.
supposedly this thing in my hand is fluid-filled, but ive tried everything from pliers to a hammer, and i cant seem to make it burst.
'slam a book on it', yeah, alright, that didnt work.
i have a bunch of stops to make tomorrow morning before work, i should probably get up earlier than i am, but oh well, nothing like rushing.
so, yeah, who knows, maybe ill take mind-altering substances for a spin this weekend... whats the worst that could happen, besides, you know, everything.
maybe thats why i dont ever have any fun with my friends, theyre all smoking, drinking, or toking up, and im always sitting somewhere by myself reading a book or writing something stupid.
i think im going to want to test drive drunk allen somewhere private, because if im a whiny crying drunk, thats fun for no one.
... i dont know, fuck it, shit is the way shit is.
heres to hoping i can come up with something to do tomorrow after work that doesnt involve me crashing a party or staying up till 3am.
so yeah, im going to walmart, buying a wig, putting on some lipstick, and sneaking into chickfest as just another one of the gals.
dont tell anyone, though.
i dont know guys, if you want to get me wasted, this coming weekend is a good time to do some convincing, because im pretty close to just saying fuck it.
im extremely tired, but i know what happens when i go to bed, so im trying to avoid it for as long as possible.
right, uh, friends and such, i suppose ill see you around friday?
time to go back to more thinking i dont need.
thinking: i need to find a way to stop thinking
feeling: a tad lonely, a tad tired, a tad content, a tad bored.
listening to: jack johnson
tomorrow: work, and then more sitting around.
(33 donations of thought / donate some brain cells)
everybody tells you you pay for what you get - 061503
words have lost their weight
what i cant say, i can write
but what do words mean
today was a very blah day.
start work tomorrow, and after i got home from mikes i had this gimungous feeling of "my summer is over".
im going to end up like joe, always working when something is going on, always feeling left out.
just when it was getting good.
i guess i just have to learn to function when im tired, because even though ill be dragging ass after work, i need to get out, i just cant go home and sleep.
sacrificing your vitality for wealth and profit, a guide to being a zombie, by this stupid kid right here.
went to mikes graduation party, that was fun, saw buddha and a bunch of other people, the plan was for dirty and i to go to hillsgrove with a bunch of other people, unfortunately parents have to protect their children and such, and i didnt really want to blow half a tank of gas driving all the way out there and back just to jump off the bridge once, so i just came home.
and here ive been.
i dont know, whatever.
i hope tomorrow goes quickly, i hope the next few days go quickly, because then i wont feel so bad for you know, doing nothing on them.
"you dont have to do something every day" says my mother.
right and the reason being...?
i dont enjoy sitting around in this fucking house watching stupid television shows, unlike the rest of my family.
id prefer to be losing in basketball, getting thrown out of walmart, driving fast, holding close, and not caring about who, what, where, when, and why.
look on the bright side, ill be making a lot of money i wont be able to spend.
the physical representation of coming to terms with the fact that youre staying home for the night is the removal of your belt.
i left the house for approximately 2 hours today.
i had a little note here to give to dirty at some point today, but we sort of had to say an abrupt goodbye and i forgot all about it.
you know, just sappy song and dance, nothing out of the ordinary.
i suppose im not like other guys, which makes me wonder if the way i am is better or worse than the average.
im not athletic, im not coordinated, im not built, im not emotionally distant, im not strong-willed, im not big on meaningless anything, im not a partier, im not a drinker, smoker, or pothead, i dont hide how i feel, i dont watch a lot of tv, i dont drive a nice car, i dont have a lot of money, i dont have a gigantic dick (sorry dirty :-P), i dont pick fights, i have trouble voicing what im thinking, i stutter, i stammer, i have a lot of 'nervous energy', i dont have any experience with... well, anything, im not very patriotic, i tell a lot of stupid jokes, i have bad hearing, im never going to be callous, im never going to not care, im never going to be careless with others feelings, im never going to be too far away, and im never going to be that guy that is the pillar of strength who never breaks down.
what i am is a pansy, i read a lot of poetry, i leave a lot of little notes around, i use some big words, i write better than ill ever be able to talk, i cry sometimes, ill always be there, im very neurotic, i over think everything, im very touchy-feely, i never know if im saying what i mean, i never know if i mean what i say, i have trouble accepting defeat, i have trouble dealing with idiocy, i get worked up very easily, im constantly joking and no one ever gets the jokes, i type 150+ words a minute, i like reading, i love being corny, dorky, and movie-romantic, my plans never come to fruition, im easily upset, but easily calmed, im overweight, im very sappy, a kind word makes my day, i have a hunch back, im afraid of everything all the time, i drive too fast, i play music too loud, i put too much stock into peoples actions, i dont take kindly to treating women badly, i dont take kindly to slandering my name, i dont take kindly to people trying to be cool, speaking of which, im not cool, im not even close, i could very well be a character in one of those tv movies that you see on lifetime, i could easily pass as a gay man, minus the ass sex and dick sucking, i have no self confidence, but im working on getting some, im a virgin in more ways than one, im easily embarrassed, although you wouldnt know it, you will always know what i feel, you will always know what i think, i will never hide my opinions, and i will never hide my emotions, i will fight for what i want and believe in, im learning to take chances, im learning to enjoy myself, and im learning that i dont have to be the typical male asshole, i can be kind, caring, intelligent, and thoughtful and still get the girl. and above all, im going to love as hard as i can, because as a good friend once said, loving someone else is to realize a little more about yourself.
so yeah, maybe i am a homosexual, but whatever, fuck the stereotypes, im not the normal guy, i never will be. id like to think its a good thing, but if it isnt, oh well.
where were you last night, normal guy? i was lost in the eyes of a beautiful girl.
makes me think that i could do worse than be how i am.
i am colorblind, coffee black and egg white.
thinking: i should get one of those cell phone things, all the hip cats seem to have them
listening to: boysetsfire
reading: things and stuff
tomorrow: work, argggg
(14 donations of thought / donate some brain cells)
bumklaat! - 061503
stay with me like this
shut the rest of the world out
we only need we
who would like to see the muse?
i bet some people would like to see the muse.
all hail the muse.
shes cute, eh?
it took me so long to train myself to spell definitely right.
i have a loser buddy, score!
today was fun, busy day.
i like busy days, i dont eat junk food and i dont waste time.
i was soaked 5 times today.
shower, [haircut] shower, torrential rainstorm, hillsgrove bridge, shower.
if i were a girl i probably couldnt get away with the phrase "i was wet all day."
im such a pervert.
cruel intentions, im the black guy who gets his heart broken.
dirty is the evil bitch who plays everyone, but in the end gets shit-hammered.
movie role-playing, ive officially become a sophomore.
no, i dont know, they might not be the brightest lights on the tree, but the underclassmen are fun.
[i have no friends my own age]
thats not true, im sorry.
jumped off hillsgrove bridge, i was kind of disappointed, because people were like comparing it to sex and a huge rush etc etc, and i mean, it was fun, but it was like "yeah alright thats fun" not like "HOLY GOD DAMN FUCK SHIT! THAT KICKED ASS!"
maybe i need to be more adventurous to really understand the appeal.
so happy to have dirty home.
the baby got his binky back.
i just wish i knew what the fuck i was doing half the time. you know, loser kid who over thinks everything.
the beach kids come back today/tomorrow.
i hope someone comes back pregnant, then i could be like "HAH! that CANT possibly be mine! score one for me!"
start the job on monday.
motherfuck a duck, what the fuck, sonofabitch.
im pretty tired, spent all night on the phone last night. not that im complaining, i highly enjoyed it, but you know, im just tired.
if i could go back in time i wouldnt like, trade the conversation (4 hours!) in for more sleep, i can always sleep.
sleep is a pretty easy thing to use as barter, because its like, fruit and shit, you can always get it back pretty easily.
houser had some big motherfuckin strawberries at his graduation party.
i may or may not have completely wiped out in his lawn trying to run in from the rain.
like thats a surprise to anyone who is there, im the comic relief of many-a-party, simply because im such a god damn moron.
the lil guy is almost full.
what you say about his company is what you say about society.
coooobraaaaa, coooobraaaaa! coooobraaaa, cobraaaaa!
fighting for freedom wherever theres trouble, over land and sea and air! GI joe is there!
G I JOE!
real american heros, GI joe is there!
i fucking hate all you people who get GI joe on cable now.
jealousy is a sweet, sweet mistress.
so is ice cream, oddly enough.
mmmmm... ice cream...
exit the warrior, todays tom sawyer.
7am monday morning... im an idiot.
who signs up for 7am when they can have like, 3pm.
'look at me im gung ho!'
yeah until i get caught sleeping on a fucking pallet hiddin in the back room.
ive slept on pallets before, it can be done.
is it wrong that i have a tshirt with the virgin mary on it?
hoping to cover all my bases.
hah! fooled you! im a good kid! i bought a card!
seriously, where the fuck did the word "dad" come from.
its such a stupid little... collection of letters.
im going to make my own language, free of stupid words like dad.
im terrible, i really am.
corrupted so easily, shame on you.
shame on me?
probably shame on me.
how hot is selma blair kissing sara michelle geller?
ill tell you, pretty damn hot.
except for the hole strand of spit thing, but, you know, shit happens.
im in a good mood, no ranting and raving this evening.
how could i not be in a good mood, spent all day with my friends, and the night with my infatuation, honestly, i could have it worse.
keeler, keep your fucking knife away from me, just because i could have it worse doesnt mean i want to have it worse.
apologies to the guy i told to shut up at muncys graduation, i feel kind of bad about that.
however, how the fuck did the class of 2003 have TWO vice presidents?
'in case one of them dies'
honestly, muncy, put a little effort into it next time, i dont want to have to sink your little town.
learn to swim, learn to swim, learn to swim, learn to swim.
cause were tripping billies.
what the fuck is a billy?
ill tell you what it is, another stupid word!
how weird is this, dirty and i chose names for our 'children'...
hers was catcher and mine was holden.
thats fucked up!
and if you dont know why, well, go eat some anti perspirant or something equally unuseful.
rubber bands have it rough, always stretching and straining, i feel bad for them, the only time they get a rest is when theyre thrown away like nothing.
i cherish all my rubber bands with a certain element of style and grace.
alright, seriously, what the fuck am i talking about.
eat drink and be merry, for tomorrow well die.
thinking: i should get some skills.
listening to: tripping billies
tomorrow: mikes party? thats it, pretty much.
(14 donations of thought / donate some brain cells)
youre crazy if you think i woud leave you this way - 061103
the suicide king
always makes me stop and think
did the hearts cause it?
im on a little waylay between town visits, thought id sit down and constipate a little while.
about 30 hours before she comes home.
yeah yeah i know, im pathetic.
i put a little note in my book to write about what connection between the physical and mental i have been experiencing lately.
im not positive what i meant at the time, but here goes nothin.
in 'the unbearable lightness of being' milan kundera spends a page explaining the connection between body and soul.
"A long time ago, man would listen in amazement to the sound of regular beats in his chest, never suspecting what they were. He was unable to identify himself with so alien and unfamiliar an object as the body. The body was a cage and inside that cage was something which looked, listened, feared, thought, and marveled; that something, that remainder left over after the body had been accounted for, was the soul.
Today, of course, the body is no longer unfamiliar: we know that the beating in our chest in the heart and that the nose is the nozzle of a hose sticking out of the body to take oxygen to the lungs. The face is nothing but an instrument panel registering all the body mechanisms: digestion, sight, hearing, respiration, thought.
Ever since man has learned to give each part of the body a name, the body has given him less trouble. He has also learned that the soul is nothing more than the gray matter of the brain in action. The old duality of body and soul has become shrouded in scientific terminology, and we can laugh at it as merely an obsolete prejudice.
But just make someone who has fallen in love listen to his stomach rumble, and the unity of body and soul, that lyrical illusion of the age of science, instantly fades away."
when the man is right, hes right.
sitting in the basement a night or two ago, just... sitting there, waiting patiently to be able to call dirty, it struck me just how connected my body was with my mind. with my soul.
as time passed, the pains in my stomach increased, a cold sweat broke, i became nervous, twitchy.
all because of the simple prospect of talking to the one who i am completely infatuated by.
id like to say it is all just emotions, but there is something more there. there is a sickness, and my entire body, not just my head, not just my heart, has come down with it.
when im talking to her my hands shake a little, my heart beats faster, my breathing isnt normal.
when someone speaks her name my body instantly stops doing whatever it was doing and focuses all of its attention on the way it rolls off their lips.
i wouldnt be surprised if the same effect happens with someone who is addicted to a hard drug.
not that its a bad thing, not at all, it just is the way it is, there is a deep and confusing connection between people, between relationships, and your bodies reactions are just a part of that.
its annoying, but hell, its part of living.
im supposed to be back in town already, but eh, fuck it, no one misses me.
its very muggy round these parts, not comfortable, not enjoyable, just annoying.
and for some reason im wearing pants.
im reading a few books right now, sort of a pain, but its more interesting that way.
i love the way one minute im completely confused with kundera, but i know that if i keep reading, in a few pages everything will make a whole bunch of sense and ill get that epiphany moment.
i love that feeling.
you know what im talking about.
read her a page out of the lil guy last night because she asked me too... hardest thing ive done in a long time.
it physically hurt reading the words i had written, i dont know why.
i guess just because that is my most hidden shit... thats like the stuff that even god doesnt want to read.
i probably sounded like a little girl when i was reading it too, but ah well, fuck it, ask and ye shall receive, ya know?
the mall is a very busy place.
watched 'welcome to collinwood'. cute, but not worth the time spent watching it.
watched 'the recruit'. saw about half of it, the other half was spent on the phone, but my friends who were watching enjoyed it, so i guess its decent.
i need to clean out the car.
it makes a lot of bad noises now, i fear it wont make it through the summer.
start the job on monday.
the deftones new album has been in my cd player for the past 2 weeks, still not sick of it.
have an easy listening mix in the car, rocking out to that shit.
christ i dont know, its summer, im being lazy and waiting around for dirty to come home so i can get a good nights sleep.
still just a stupid little emo boy.
thinking: summer is entertainingly chill
listening to: track 11, deftones
reading: the unbearable lightness of being, the captains verses, a short history of nearly everything
tomorrow: :-D :-D home :-D :-D :-D :-D
(24 donations of thought / donate some brain cells)
to my toes, to my ankles, to my soul, im blown away - 060803
keep catching myself
being less than positive
it hurts to go back
just got home from my day of parties and such.
i think i have a lot to talk about.
graduation was fairly uneventful, i mean, it was fun and all, but it was just another stupid school event. it wasnt a real goodbye, the real goodbyes happened afterwards, graduation was just for the people who know us, not the actual people graduating.
said my goodbye to the family, went back, did some major hugging. major hugging.
arms were tired.
found dirty in the sea of people, we had our moment, went and searched for vent.
seriously was like almost on the verge of tears.
yeah yeah, im a fucking panzy, so sue me.
it wasnt the only time this weekend.
i was really upset i wasnt going to see her, but then i saw her hulk of a frame and my eyes dried up.
did some shit etc, got my gift from her, and realized i didnt want to go to dirtys right away for fear of being there before she was.
you see a kid, i dont know, maybe 5'10, 5'11, big frame, white shirt and dress slacks. hes sitting on the bumper of a car in the middle of the park.
hes leaned over like he has some sort of arthritis, and he is holding some sort of paper in his hand.
yeah this was me for about 20 minutes, sitting in the park, reading this letter, take a break every couple minutes to look up at the sky and wipe off the tears.
yeah, so what, i cried, fuck off.
even granite cracks.
i finish up the letter, look for stars for a little while, change in the public bathroom, and head over to dirtys.
motherfuckin little kids running around everywhere!
it was like they were having a fuckin ice cream convention there or something.
dirtys sister was having a middle school graduation party.
i felt old.
its like 'god damnit, i remember when i was that young, and i definitely wasnt making out in a basement.'
and the mouths on these kids!
no seriously, it was sort of surreal. it was like 2 weeks ago when i was that age. i was not that small. i was not that rowdy. i was not that kind of kid.
i just fuckin graduated high school, and i feel like an old person.
i tried to be cool in front of all the kids, so like, when the one asked me for gum and i couldnt find mine, i sort of flipped shit.
that was my chance at 'whoa its the cool old guy!' status.
kyle houser and some friend of his with a weird last name hung out with us towards the end of the night after the little kids left, that was a lot of fun.
just gellin like felons.
probably the highlight of my evening, not just because i was there with dirty, just like, i dont know, sitting out in a driveway reminiscing and bullshitting.
then reality sinks in and i remember shes leaving for 6 days, doh.
she went inside for a moment and i went out to my car to get her gift, stuck it in the back of my pants so like, i could surprise her and shit.
an hour later the shape of the book is pressed into my back and houser and awiza (spelling on that one?) finally headed out.
i got her '100 love sonnets' by Pablo Neruda.
i cant say it wasnt without help though, i couldnt find the damn thing around here, i had to go all the way to jersey to get it for her.
well, okay, i didnt go to jersey, but i did have vent pick it up at one of her fancy book stores and bring it to PA for me.
i owe her and such.
i said my goodbye, walked slowly to the car, and realized im a stupid sappy fuck.
im still coming to terms with this realization.
but seriously, neruda? absolutely incredible.
headed to hoffmans at like 12:45, got bitched out for being late, and talked with the drunks for a little while.
come on, like i wasnt going to be late, shes leaving for 6 days and im just going to leave without being forced to?
troutman and i headed up to twiggs, awesome bonfire going on there.
even though i missed most of it, sorry guys.
i pretty much missed everyone that was there, but fuck it, i dont like any of them anyway.
came home at about 5am, banged out an email, and passed out.
i came to a few times, but finally got my ass out of bed around 4pm.
self denial that everyone was either a) gone, or b) about to leave.
'if im asleep then everyone cant be gone because they are all sleeping when im sleeping.'
i hope youre having an amazing time right now dirty. i know you cant read this from the beach, but hell, maybe itll pull some sort of telepathic TCP/IP or something.
thursday will be here before i know it, i dont know why im making such a big deal about her leaving.
oh right, theyre going to the beach too.
no wonder i think im a loser.
at 5ish i went to hoffmans again to visit vent, headed to joes, then to falkers, back to joes, had some good times with teddy B, took him out to hoffmans to chill with the cool kids, and after a while there i came home.
i felt really, really weird after everyone left hoffmans, because i didnt know anyone there but sara and vent, and they like went inside or something, and i dont know, i have people problems.
i waited around for about 20 minutes, then after i noticed that i was like me and old people sitting in the garage, i decided that i had worn out my welcome.
left a note on vents door, but i couldnt see what i was writing cause it was dark out, so who knows if it is legible.
if not, have a safe trip vent, thank you so much for coming to graduation.
i mean that.
dont mean to get sappy, but, hell, youre all i had for a while, and it means more to me than you will ever to know that you were up in those stands looking down on me when i was taking the walk. i love you so much, and i cant thank you enough for being a friend.
yeah so here i am, sitting at home.
im about to go downstairs and grab myself a bagel, then maybe watch some tv or something.
i need to keep myself busy, because if i dont i find that my mind will gravitate towards things of the emotional nature, and ive cried enough for one weekend.
hope everyone has fun on their beach trips, i plan on investigating into the number of illegitimate children possibly created this next week, so keep a tally written down somewhere.
alright, thats about it i guess.
ill leave you with some pablo neruda, maybe it will help you understand why i had to have that book for dirty before she left.
I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.
I love you as the plant that never blooms
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.
I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
so I love you because I know no other way
than this: where I does not exist, or you,
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.
happy graduation to me and such.
thinking: this week wont be over soon enough.
feeling: overwhelmed... all these emotions at once, freedom, love, infatuation, abandonment, happiness, everything all at once, its wreaking havoc.
listening to: dave matthews - lie in our graves (this song has moved into my top 10 favorites)
reading: a short history of nearly everything (thank you vent, there really is wonder in the world, and youve shown that to me.)
tomorrow: i dont know, i think there might be a party i have to go to.
(22 donations of thought / donate some brain cells)
all encompassingly - 060503
if you only knew
oh god... how you make me sing
how you make me soar.
graduating high school tomorrow.
wish i felt like it was a big accomplishment or something.
i feel bad, because i have this family coming for it, and i probably wont spend 2 hours with them over their course of the visit.
not that i actually want to, but you know, common courtesy and such.
friday im graduating, heading to dirtys, and then i dont know what.
shes going away for a week so i have to try and steal as much of her soul from her as i can.
everyone is leaving on sunday.
theyre all going to the beach, im trying to figure out how im going to keep myself busy.
i dont know... i have a feeling ill be writing a lot.
im absolutely infatuated right now, and im not all that afraid to admit it.
sitting at bens tonight watching the new jerry seinfeld flick, and it seemed like every other minute my mind was wandering into that little area of my brain that has been dominated by images, thoughts, and feelings related to you.
dont ask me what im going to do while youre gone, because honestly, im not quite sure... heh.
eh, im just being dumb, itll subside in a few days and ill go back to just being mildly infatuated.
class day today, our band was terrible, the mic kept cutting out... guys were forgetting shit, i fucked up the lyrics to a song.. eh, it just wasnt good. we rushed it, 4 days was not enough to prepare.
it didnt help not having mics that worked though.
right... back to graduating tomorrow...
i dont know. its just another day to me. there were some heavy emotions being thrown around today, and i guess i understand where some people are coming from... its just, i dont know, i spent so much time out of the loop, this isnt that big of a deal to me.
im honestly not all that connected to high school.
sure, i love a lot of the people, id die for some of them, but that... that doesnt mean im an emotional wreck for having to leave them.
i have this summer, and honestly, anyone who ill really be upset about leaving, ill keep in touch with anyway.
its funny how i have this whole big nagging piece of my brain cauterized from the rest of it for this week, because if i let it get to me, i might just break down myself... life is bittersweet sometimes, it really is.
my head is spinning.
heres a little something i handed out to some of my classmates at prom. i was bored and emotionally charged and felt like i needed to say something, so i did. its trite, repetitive, and corny, but oh well, at least the poem makes some sense...
This is the beginning.
Almost anything can happen.
This is where you find
the creation of light, a fish wriggling onto land,
the first word of Paradise Lost on an empty page.
Think of an egg, the letter A,
A woman ironing on a bare stage
as the heavy curtain rises.
This is the very beginning.
The first-person narrator introduces himself,
tells us about his lineage.
The mezzo-soprano stands in the wings.
Here the climbers are studying the map
or pulling on their long woolen socks.
This is early on, years before the Ark, dawn.
The profile of an animal is being smeared
on the wall of a cave,
And you have not yet learned to crawl.
This is the opening, the gambit,
a pawn moving forward an inch.
This is your first night with her,
your first night without her.
This is the first part
where the wheels begin to turn,
Where the elevator begins its ascent,
before the doors lurch apart.
This is the middle.
Things have had time to get complicated,
messy, really. Nothing is simple anymore.
Cities have sprouted up along the rivers
teeming with people at cross-purposes-
a million schemes, a million wild looks.
Disappointment unshoulders his knapsack
here and pitches his raged tent.
This is the sticky part where the plot congeals,
where the action suddenly reverses
or swerves off in an outrageous direction.
Here the narrator devotes a long paragraph
to why Miriam does not want Edward's child.
Someone hides a letter under a pillow.
Here the aria rises to a pitch,
a song of betrayal, salted with revenge.
And the climbing party is stuck on a ledge
halfway up the mountain.
This is the bridge, the painful modulation.
This is the thick of things.
So much is crowded in the middle-
the guitars of Spain, piles of ripe avocados,
Russian uniforms, noisy parties,
lakeside kisses, arguments heard through a wall-
too much to name, too much to think about.
And this is the end,
the car running out of road,
the river losing its name in an ocean,
the long nose of the photographed horse
touching the white electronic line.
This is the colophon, the last elephant in the parade,
the empty wheelchair,
and pigeons floating down in the evening.
Here the stage is littered with bodies,
the narrator leads the characters to their cells,
and the climbers are in their graves.
It is me hitting the period
and you closing the book.
It is Sylvia Plath in the kitchen
and St. Clement with an anchor around his neck.
This is the final bit
thinning away to nothing.
This is the end, according to Aristotle,
what we have all been waiting for,
what everything comes down to,
the destination we cannot help imagining,
a streak of light in the sky,
a hat on a peg, and outside the cabin, falling leaves.
-Billy Collins, Aristotle
We are at an interesting time in our lives, faithful companions. An equilibrium of sorts: a beginning, a middle, and an end. This is the beginning of the rest of our lives. In a few short weeks, we will all be moving on; opening to a blank page, penning our first words as adults. It's an exciting and tumultuous time, one that we will never forget. It is also important to realize that this... this chasm we are about to leap is only a chapter in our personal history. We have lived the first part of our lives, our childhood, and this event about to beseech us serves only to complicate the simple infancy that we have so enjoyed. Finally, and perhaps most regrettably, we have come to the end of a journey. For all intents and purposes, our youth has been left on the side of the road, only to be looked back upon fondly in our rear-view mirrors. This is what we have been waiting for all our lives, to be out from under the precipice, to be free to stare at the sky and no longer worry about being blinded by the sun. Yet, when the moment arrives, we will all look back regrettably at the loss of or youth. Remember. Remember this time wherever you go, wherever you end up in the years to follow. You will never experience this equilibrium of life ever again. Living is at its most vibrant in these next few weeks; cherish them dearly. Realize where it is you have been, where it is you are now, and where it is you are going. It is only at this point in our lives that we can stop, if only for a minute or two, and see the entirety of our existence. Remember fondly your childhood, breathe deeply and with conviction the air of the present, and look forward to your future, not in fear, but in exhilarating optimism. And remember, always remember, this time in your life.
i cant wait for tomorrow. everyone i know and love, all gathered together, easily available for me to hug.
its going to be long and excruciating... but oh well, when its over, i get to indulge in my addiction.
i also get to crash a party after im done shooting up in an alley.
if there is anything else going on tomorrow night, say, into the wee hours of the morning, id appreciate if it someone would fill me in, id rather not return home on graduation night.
i dont know what this feeling is. my heart is beating fast and its getting harder for me to breathe. my forehead is leaking, my brain is spinning, and my mouth is dry.
its like a good sickness.
right, calm down allen, you get to go to sleep soon.
gonna watch a little tv, do a little note taking, make sure im able to continue my trend for tomorrow, and head to bed.
gotta clean my room in the morning, and then im heading to buddhas room around 11:15 to hang for a bit, say some goodbyes, and remember the good times.
i seriously love that man.
i was almost in tears the other day when he was showing so much compassion for me, it was like, heres this guy who never has to speak a word to me again in a week, and hes doing everything in his power to help me, to make sure i get somewhere in life.
he doesnt have to do anything he does, but he makes the effort, he goes 100 miles out of his way for us, for me, and it means more to me than ill probably ever be able to express to him.
i lied when i said i really wouldnt miss anyone.
ill miss him, ill miss deac, ill miss the familiar older faces who have been a large part of my life these last four years.
ill miss those people, the ones that count, the ones that showed compassion and grace and an understanding of where we come from as students. ill miss the ones with integrity.
integrity is something that is sorely lacking in our society today.
so yeah, could i get any more sappy?
who knows, but heres the deal, im graduating, i may (or may not...) be moving on soon, and these people that ive known for so long, you know what, theyre awesome, but theyre just one chapter of my life.
im ready to feed another piece of paper into the typewriter. im ready to summarize another 20 years with a 2 word heading.
im ready to turn the page.
so long, and thanks for all the fish.
thinking: ill be seeing you in my dreams...
feeling: the good sickness
listening to: matrix 2 soundtrack
(14 donations of thought / donate some brain cells)
my head wont leave my head alone - 060103
please, dont be afraid
we can make our great escape
despite what they say
the general consensus is im tired of giving up.
im a different person than i was a month, hell, a few weeks, ago.
i am king.
im done being the martyr, im done accepting my fate and rolling with the punches.
from now on, if its possible, i will fight. i will fight until there isnt any fight left.
maybe im being ignorant for fighting, maybe im not catching the hint, but fuck it, what have i got to lose in life.
one realizes that when one hits rock bottom, the only way to swim is up.
i will not let myself drown down here, not without a mad dash for the surface.
its been a trying couple of weeks, some of the most extreme ups and downs ive ever experienced.
ive been through hell and back and im here to tell you i will fight till my knuckles are bloody, till im spitting blood and gasping for breath.
i will not be stopped, not anymore.
so if anyone out there, if anyone out there wants to try and get in my way, wants to obstruct my view or challenge my will, i suggest you concede and bow out gracefully before i get within arms reach.
im probably just signing my own death warrant, fighting for things that arent worth it, fighting for things that arent there... but i have to trust my instinct, i have to trust my judgement. i have to hope that the feeling my gut isnt just delusionary, that im not just being ridiculous.
keelers was so much fun.
went up there around 8. i managed to some how end up with my shirt off, which is a bad idea, and flying down a piece of saran wrap that had been covered with soap suds and rain.
we had a blast, a ton of people listening to music, dancing around, being idiots, and just... i dont know, i dont even know.
started wearing down around midnight, phibbs headed out, and a bunch of people were watching wrestling, so i went out and made a phonecall and acted like a putz for a while and went back inside.
sat down and wrote some stuff to try and redeem my poor performance, watched office space with everyone crammed together, and then went upstairs to catch some winks.
that night was so much fun, just, i dont know, too much to even remember.
woke up around 6:15am, booked it out of there to get home and do something i needed to do... just to make up for the night before, even though in hind sight i guess it was stupid...
ah well, never said i wasnt stupid.
slept till around noon, woke up, watch adaptation, loved it.
i am charlie kaufman.
vent, confirm (or deny, but i seriously doubt that) this.
everything that was voiced over as his thoughts, in the first half the movie, were things that go through my head constantly on a daily basis.
or at least did.
i definitely connected really closely with that movie, if only because i was (and still a big part of me is) timid and over-thinking like charlie, and then he has the huge change in his life and completely overhauls himself.
honestly, i feel almost the exact same way.
after the last week, between my parents and some other stuff i cant really talk about, something in me just... changed. for the better.
i never in a million years thought i would be thinking the things i am, doing the things im doing, striving for the things i want.
something in me changed... dirty, you picked it up, so at least i know im not crazy.
friday, saturday, and for the most part, today, have been completely out of character for me, and i dont see me going back to the allen i was any time soon. it just isnt worth it.
life isnt worth not taking risks anymore, because i have nothing, literally nothing, to lose.
i never would be the guy to say "take a chance", i was always the guy who had to think every little thing through, who had to analyze and analyze and analyze until the opportunity i was analyzing had passed me by and gave myself an excuse.
im not that person anymore.
not that i know what im doing is right or not, i have no fucking clue. i dont know if im doing the right thing by not giving up, i dont know if im doing the right thing by doing some of the things i did at keelers, i dont know if im being stupid or just being spontaneous.
and honestly, i dont really care anymore. im not afraid of the consequences. im not afraid of the "if"s anymore. the ifs arent worth worry about.
if i played it safe, this weekend would have been terrible, and sure, there were plenty of chances for me to slip on a banana peel, but i avoided them, i forced my will, and good things have been happening.
i can only hope that you can see its worth it, i can only hope that you feel something, something that compels you to meet me half way, because i feel it deep in my gut, i feel it in the air, the electricity, the vibrant sky and the wind blowing through the trees, if i, if we, let this go, there will always be that "what if?" looming over our heads.
im done leaving the "what if?"s unanswered.
tonight was baccalaureate, which was boring and a waste of my time. then we went to eders, played some suicide, and i came home.
tomorrow, a day hanging out with my favorite people, because i dont have shit all day.
calc final in the afternoon, but hell, like thats going to be hard.
delusions of intelligence.
cant wait for the camping trip, cooper, these last couple social events have been amazing, i can only assume that the trend will continue.
except, you know, senior week, which i will spend bringing dirty ice cream and paying fines at the public library.
i am king.
i am king, i will fight, i will bleed, i will slay, and i will come out on top, because my will is stronger than yours, stronger than yours, stronger than yours, and stronger than yours.
yours too, dont think you can trump me, ya sneaky son of a bitch.
thinking: if im fighting for nothing, please tell me now, im almost positive im not, but ive been wrong before.
listening to: our lady peace
reading: future shock
tomorrow: having fun
hosting: My favourite top 10 webhosting list
(59 donations of thought / donate some brain cells)